life threads

To unravel into pieces
A tapestry becoming so undone
Shattered glass just seems so unrepairable
Something perishable in the sun

Holding on fast to the core
Honest, pure, and true
Sharing bits and pieces of the threads
That is solely me through and through

Inflicting pain not intended
Just open for any to stop and stare
This is life, raw as ever
And it was my choice to share

To tear down what something is made of
Seems so disastrous at first glimpse
But the beauty in the breakdown
Is about truely finding what's within

Maddie.

I am in a weird place in life right now. I don't really like the term "weird", but I honestly have no idea how else to describe it. For those who do not know, I just got done with a bizarre/wack/very surreal reality tv show experience and still have yet to decide if the positives will outweigh the negatives. I am having a very hard time enrolling back into school because I for one have NO idea what I want to do with my life. My problem? I cannot commit to anything. Can there be a risk taking major anyone? See, that is something I would excel at. I can be impulsive, crazy, and adventurous. But I cannot for the life of me be organized, planned, committed. I can't pick a major. I can't settle on just one thing because of the fact that I want to do everything, and before my realist friends or parentals finally sink into my brain that thinks I can do everything, I am sitting pretty on Cloud Weird.

If I don't settle on one thing, just one, I will go crazy. I think clinically insane. AND, since it is pretty clear that me settling in a location, with a person, on a major, into college, etc, etc... isn't going to happen, I have settled on Maddie.

Maddie. A gorgeous five month old cocker-border collie mix. She is perfect for me. High in energy, ridiculously adventurous, and still at the end of the day, a cuddler.

So, expect a ton of status updates, blogs, twitpics, and you name it on my new commitment. My SOLE commitment. It is going to be one fun ride.

thrill.

I wonder some days how I got here.
I wasn't always so fearless.
It is in my nature to force myself to be brave, to not hold back even when everything in me screams to.
I am not invincible or untouchable
and my body is breakable...
But I refuse to believe it
Even saying it now makes me cringe
For when I know in my heart nothing can stop me,
nothing can.
And that feeling of freedom
Of being invincible, even when I know I for damn sure am not,
I am convinced is why my heart continues to beat.
I crave to be scared so I can defeat it.
When my heart beats faster, I feel close to home.

Living is a thrill,
It is about time you joined the ride.

my reason for existence....

If I didn't have something to fight against
Would I even exist
If I didn't need to make a point
What would be left to resist

My battle isn't within me
It is fighting for something much more
It is changing the path most follow
Forcing other's to question their war

It is pushing the limit to the max
Jumping the fence one last time
Making a move not usually seen
Solely craving to cross that line

It's a fight that may only end up hurting
All that I know to be true
But do I know myself through any other
Do I know how else one has grew?

So I push and I shove and I constantly fight
Regardless of what the outcome may be
This constant struggle that makes my heart thrive
Is the only way I know to be me

Unsettled

What is it that I am holding inside
I feel anxious
As life in its ocean surrounds me
My toe is barely in
I am missing out
The world is there, so close.
I want to experience it
I want to hold it
I want to feel it
I need to embrace everything it has
My bucket list is endless
And I am wasting time.

I talk about the world as if I've seen it
I dream nightly
of dancing in Uganda to the beat of drums
And surfing on the beaches of Brasil
Speaking to people in tongues unheard
Holding hands of those with colors I've not yet seen
Touching the mountains impossible to find...

I talk of things I have not seen
I wish upon words that seem so far away
When can I
Will when I
How can I
Will I ever be able to...
Finally
Live.

Rythmic Souls

There is something about your soul
that speaks to mine.
I crave the chaos
but with you I find
The eye of the storm that never changes
with time.
And in that peace I wonder, in what life
did our stars align
Did ever the rhythm of your heartbeat
coincide with mine?
Because in this second I am beginning
to slowly... unwind.
It seems that at one time
together we shined.
Past, present, or future...
Baby I will never mind
This thirst you are quenching means you are
of another kind.

So touch.
Heal.
Soothe.
Quench.

Because there is something about your soul
that speaks to mine.

Atmosphere Adjustment

I'm here.

Whole and complete

Unshattered, in one piece

Spontaneous, overwhelmed

Slow back to

moving

Familiar sounds only my heartbeat

soothing

I'm not battered

Nor I bruised

My senses are merely striving

To not be confused

My organs in place

Just learning to utilize

From my brain to my lungs

My toes to my eyes

Re-using my body bit by bit

It's not coming back to me,

I'm coming back to it

So please, don't mind me...

I'm just learning how to breathe again

.........freely.

i feel invincible

The water crashes on the shore
The tides are changing more and more
But here I stand strong and true
Knowing exactly what to do
My salted hair begins to curl
As all my doubts start to unfurl
I spread my hands wide and high
I am fully naked under this sky
My doubts, my cautions, no longer exist
Because with that comes life I refuse to miss
I am in the moment, I begin to thrive
All in fruit of my inner drive
This is my life in all its beauty
Living it fully is solely my duty
The waves can crash and try to break me
But my body alone is enough safety
I trust the feet I stand on today
Because who knows tomorrow what will go away
Let the ocean hold me as I make my stance
For today is the day I take that chance

Wild at Heart

“A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages…” Tennessee Williams

Cages of loneliness, depression, institutions… Cages that restrict a beautiful being from living. Some, or most, can pinpoint the cages in our lives, put there by others. But more importantly, what about the ones put by ourselves? What cage have I restricted myself with? What cage have we all restricted ourselves with?

It is easy to blame others for something negative we feel in ourselves; I am a certain way because of my past, naturally, but it is what we do with the “certain way we are” that shows character and strength. In many ways our past can become a cage… Until we can own up to ourselves and our flaws, regardless of origin, we will continue to be restricted and deprived of all the amazing things life has to offer.

I fear most that I will find something about myself that I cannot come to terms with. What if I am afraid to face something within? What is my cage?

"Wild at heart". I am more than that. I am wild at heart, at soul, at the bottom of my being. We all are meant to live fearless, cage-less lives.

Bar me up and see what happens, but if it is myself that created the cage, I feel that is when I have lost my heart, my soul, myself.

The damage is done when we are the ones who cage ourselves.

finding sanity

listen for the sound....


is my heartbeat slowly fading
now that i have hit the ground
is there a pulse radiating
now that my body has been found
are my pupils dialating
in this world that spins around
around
around
and
around


i am afraid i've lost myself,
listen for the sound

pages

My heart is on my sleeve
This vulnerability killing me
Understanding isn't something I do well
Bravery hard to come by if you couldn't tell

Never knew how hard it could be
To let the whole world really see me
Opening a book in a thunderstorm
Without allowing a page to be torn

Afraid of effects when the cause is through
I tell myself to always be true
Holding my chin high when all else has failed
Persevering after the ship has sailed

I write this nonsense to remind myself
That my being doesn't belong in this wealth
My body my dreams my wish to survive
Is all this process of being alive

Fate's Fault

I sit on this train of life
Moving too fast on the track
The blurred window to outside tells me,
Once gone there is no looking back.

I left my past far behind,
I sprinted onto that train.
But one thing held me hostage
Which never again could be the same.

How could I run far from it
Without actually letting go
My body was moving quickly away
But my heart was saying "no".

I was torn in two completely,
Into the impossible I was thrust.
How does one love to any measure
That which is in something I disgust.

I am tempted to throw the E brake,
To make my world come to a halt .
But it won't change what I left behind
I must leave it as fate's fault.

So I sit and watch the trees fly by,
I watch the world go on it's path.
I hold my breathe and leave it up to fate
With all it's beauty, pain, and wrath.

The Jump.

Anticipation.
I wasn't nervous, I was ready.
I needed this. I needed to live in the moment and become someone I had not met before.
I wanted to push myself.
Live so outside the box that some would say, she isn't going to make it.
There always is that chance, that one percent...
That don't land safely.

Risks.
I live for them.

It makes the ground that much more inviting.
It makes the beat of my heart not a noise to be taken granted of.
Sweet, beautiful, wonderful life.
At my finger tips.

I knew when I looked down, this was what I was made for.
So I jumped.
I flew.
I felt the wind take over me.
I became complete in that free fall.

I didn't know how it would end, I just knew without a doubt,

I WAS IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE.

No expectations,
No old sensations.
It was a brand new me.


This is my life.

Rockclimbing is my Boyfriend

I had an epiphany.

Lately my life has consisted of nothing but my hobbies. Bellydancing, rockclimbing, flag football, soccer, running, some boxing, sitting in the sauna..... You name it. Not only are they amazing workouts, they are what I live through. They scream adventure. They never bore me. They keep me entertained, and they get me in shape.

After a good heart to heart with a bestie, I realized I have lost sight of a life-long dream. Becoming a veterinarian. After years of straight A's, great test scores, and honor roll, high school days couldn't seem further out of reach. College has humbled me, has made me stop procrastinating, and made me work my butt off for something still to receive a C grade. Ultimately, the actual school part of college has made me feel like a complete and utter failure.

School does not fit well with my personality. I am restless, impatient, and always on the go. I have been so frustrated lately with the way the system of college, specifically for a Biology major, works. The way I do not believe in myself like I should is exactly where I begin to fail.

My hobbies have made me for once feel invincible. Like I can and WILL do anything. When I bellydance, my Bohemian-self storms out and I, for a second, feel beautiful. When I conquer the middle rockclimbing wall at the Mizzou Rec Center, I pride myself in my strong arms and stubborn addittude that got me up the wall ultimately. When I run three miles, I no longer see thunder thighs and jiggled legs. I no longer see the weak side of Emily. I no longer feel vulnerable in this huge world of Biology majors here at Mizzou.

My life is crazy, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But my lack of wanting to commit has finally hit home, because feeling like I cannot commit is only out of my fear of failure. Regardless of what I want to do with my life: a veterinarian, a dolphin trainer, a marine biologist, hell... Peace Corps... I cannot let my lack of self-esteem get in the way.

So I am taking my rockclimbing cockiness and applying it to all aspects of my life. I just gotta keep on truckin'.

P.s.
Soon to be added on the list: West African dancing and windsurfing.

My Ocean...

I couldn't tear myself away.

My feet became addicted to the sand caving from under them after a false sense of stability was given.

My hair adapted to the wind that blew it every which direction, making me feel so at home.

My eyes couldn't part from the unpredictable rythym of the ocean waves, the unharmonized beat that resounded in my ears, the beautiful randomness that doesn't falter far from the sounds of jazz.

My soul has become attached to to the overwhelming feeling I encounter every time I am next to such beauty...

The water hitting my feet
Traveling through my soul
Swelling up into my eyes...
As crying is the only reaction I have to such a perfect view.

I couldn't bare to walk away, even to express my emotions through this pen.

I want to touch.
I want to hold it within.

Nothing matters here...
pain, failure, heartache.

Just as the sand rinses off my feet, these emotions tagged with all confusion.....

dissappear.

I want to find myself here.
As the sand caves from under my feet,
I realize my stability in life resembles that false sense of security.
Our unpredictable lives are unreliable,
and the beauty in that fact-
that in one second our feet could easily be put on new ground,
slams me into the reality that life
unknown.
undecided.
Is the most stable life chosen.


When my feet touch the thing so collosial.
So fierce and so beautiful,
I will know.

because when my feet touch this ocean, I feel COMPLETE.
Despite it's scariness, despite it's unpredictable ways.
It is what I crave for my life, in all aspects.

No pond
No river
No lake
will suffice.

My ocean will come.

The empowerment along with the humility I feel as I walk closer and closer to these waves is a constant reminder of this.

I can't tear away.
It calls me in.
I refuse to tear away.

The Way We Take Our Coffee.

I sit here on my couch, laptop in my lap, my mom in sight.

Minus the way we take our coffee, mine black with one ice cube and hers slightly tan from a little non-fat milk, we look identical as she is on her computer feet away.

I don't think the phrase "becoming my mother" is appropriate. She has showed me through the years a strong personality and helped me develop my own sense of self all while loving (present tense included) me unconditionally. Although not opposite, I never felt relatable to her. We were just two strong people and she was just a ton more bad ass.

A text from her the other day read, "Am I stubborn?". I without hesitation texted into my phone: "Yes, when there is conviction..."
Sent.
Stop.
Lightbulb.
It was a revelation. Her gene of stubborness was very much in my veins. Mine possibly undeveloped and a little less mature, lets face it, ALOT less mature, it was something I had in common. (Minus the texting: yes people, my momma texts.)

I saw her reflection in Michelle's common sense. I saw her compassion ministered through Amy's hugs. Being a little bit of an odd bird of the three girls: tomboy/sporadic/doing-my own thing, I just had never seen my mom in me. I have very much wanted to. I never have met someone as amazing as her. Strong and courageous. Insightful. Beautiful.

I have been grown up since a very young age, knowing what I want and who I am. Becoming my mother is not in the cards for me because she has helped me develop into my own person. Which is why I love her so much. Knowing that I owned her stubborness made me feel triumphant, relatable, content. The little odd bird had finally flew home.

Maybe coffee, a little different colored from the milk and taken different ways, deep down is always coffee.

I am very okay with that fact.

Explanation of Title.

Last night I flew in from Texas. The crazy, wild Spring Break island of South Padre is known for the nights one won't remember, drunken embarrassments, and five days turned into a blur that will be reflected upon years later with only head shaking regret.

My Spring Break 2009 could not have been any more opposite.

I do not recall where the switch happened, but somewhere from not knowing where I wanted to go in my life and seeing the ocean for the first time since last summer, my insides screamed at me, bubbling within, demanding my fingers to pick up a pen. To ignore this urge with all its intensity would be disastrous.

A while ago while in Barnes&Noble, doddling like always when it comes to an overwhelming number of books in one place, I found a journal. I don't know why I was drawn to it particularly, it was one of hundreds on a wall. Looking at it now, it just screams peaceful. Maybe at that time all I wanted was peace. Regardless, this taupe-colored Buddha pictured journal became my best friend. My peace. My outlet. My breath of fresh air.

My Buddha Book came with me to South Padre. It smells of salt from the ocean waves splashing upon its surface as I walked the shore for hours. It became my constant. And best of all, it holds my thoughts, my emotions, my heart rythms.

I don't write because I have wanted to since a young age. I don't write because I would love to be a published novelist. I write because it is a necessity. My soul CRAVES to be poured out. My bubbling insides will burst if not, somehow in someway, released.

I write for my sanity. I write to understand myself more. I write so I can maybe figure out this big, huge world, if even just for a second.

So please, read my breath of fresh air. And hopefully wherever you sit at this moment, that air can minister to you as well.