Monday, April 6, 2009

Rockclimbing is my Boyfriend

I had an epiphany.

Lately my life has consisted of nothing but my hobbies. Bellydancing, rockclimbing, flag football, soccer, running, some boxing, sitting in the sauna..... You name it. Not only are they amazing workouts, they are what I live through. They scream adventure. They never bore me. They keep me entertained, and they get me in shape.

After a good heart to heart with a bestie, I realized I have lost sight of a life-long dream. Becoming a veterinarian. After years of straight A's, great test scores, and honor roll, high school days couldn't seem further out of reach. College has humbled me, has made me stop procrastinating, and made me work my butt off for something still to receive a C grade. Ultimately, the actual school part of college has made me feel like a complete and utter failure.

School does not fit well with my personality. I am restless, impatient, and always on the go. I have been so frustrated lately with the way the system of college, specifically for a Biology major, works. The way I do not believe in myself like I should is exactly where I begin to fail.

My hobbies have made me for once feel invincible. Like I can and WILL do anything. When I bellydance, my Bohemian-self storms out and I, for a second, feel beautiful. When I conquer the middle rockclimbing wall at the Mizzou Rec Center, I pride myself in my strong arms and stubborn addittude that got me up the wall ultimately. When I run three miles, I no longer see thunder thighs and jiggled legs. I no longer see the weak side of Emily. I no longer feel vulnerable in this huge world of Biology majors here at Mizzou.

My life is crazy, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But my lack of wanting to commit has finally hit home, because feeling like I cannot commit is only out of my fear of failure. Regardless of what I want to do with my life: a veterinarian, a dolphin trainer, a marine biologist, hell... Peace Corps... I cannot let my lack of self-esteem get in the way.

So I am taking my rockclimbing cockiness and applying it to all aspects of my life. I just gotta keep on truckin'.

Soon to be added on the list: West African dancing and windsurfing.