Automatic Reaction

Why do I pretend 
When the spirits fade away
Nothing is left
I just want it to exist
I want it to be tangible 
To know I am human after all
Your lips are smeared with remnants of desire
Your touch my reminder of normalcy
Followed by headaches of confusion 
Wondering why even try
In the moment it was all I desired
In the moment it is all I despise
Why
Tell me why I do this to myself
Ill forget in moments
Something I desire so strongly now
Leave me now 
But
In the haze
I will need you
Again