Automatic Reaction

Why do I pretend 
When the spirits fade away
Nothing is left
I just want it to exist
I want it to be tangible 
To know I am human after all
Your lips are smeared with remnants of desire
Your touch my reminder of normalcy
Followed by headaches of confusion 
Wondering why even try
In the moment it was all I desired
In the moment it is all I despise
Why
Tell me why I do this to myself
Ill forget in moments
Something I desire so strongly now
Leave me now 
But
In the haze
I will need you
Again 

Battle of the White Flag

It’s coming back. The memories I suppressed.
Your gasp, your sigh, your giggle.
It’s haunting my dreams, my thoughts, my day, my week, my thoughts…
Overwhelmed.
Are you in my head, am I going in sane.

Take me…
your eyes..
I need support…
your breathe…
You were my support…
your touch..

I’m exhausted fighting you out of my head, I will not, cannot, no white flag…
But I want to so badly, get out of my head, to surrender.
To breathe without struggle.
The battle of lust with you on the frontline.
How to separate without more pain is the battle of lust,
I’m fighting with my body… But my heart is gone, far gone.. It is in your hands.
Give it back, please…
Give it back…
So I can fight.

The battle of lust.

Touch where I walk. Bless my path. Wish me well. Gaze long and hard.
Think of me when you see that color. When I am in your dreams, treasure it.
When you think the wind brings you my voice, listen. When a star shoots across the sky, smile.
Put your hand on your heart when it beats too fast, it’s trying to match mine.
Kiss me long one last time. Squeeze tightly. Farewell forever.

life threads

To unravel into pieces
A tapestry becoming so undone
Shattered glass just seems so unrepairable
Something perishable in the sun

Holding on fast to the core
Honest, pure, and true
Sharing bits and pieces of the threads
That is solely me through and through

Inflicting pain not intended
Just open for any to stop and stare
This is life, raw as ever
And it was my choice to share

To tear down what something is made of
Seems so disastrous at first glimpse
But the beauty in the breakdown
Is about truely finding what's within

Maddie.

I am in a weird place in life right now. I don't really like the term "weird", but I honestly have no idea how else to describe it. For those who do not know, I just got done with a bizarre/wack/very surreal reality tv show experience and still have yet to decide if the positives will outweigh the negatives. I am having a very hard time enrolling back into school because I for one have NO idea what I want to do with my life. My problem? I cannot commit to anything. Can there be a risk taking major anyone? See, that is something I would excel at. I can be impulsive, crazy, and adventurous. But I cannot for the life of me be organized, planned, committed. I can't pick a major. I can't settle on just one thing because of the fact that I want to do everything, and before my realist friends or parentals finally sink into my brain that thinks I can do everything, I am sitting pretty on Cloud Weird.

If I don't settle on one thing, just one, I will go crazy. I think clinically insane. AND, since it is pretty clear that me settling in a location, with a person, on a major, into college, etc, etc... isn't going to happen, I have settled on Maddie.

Maddie. A gorgeous five month old cocker-border collie mix. She is perfect for me. High in energy, ridiculously adventurous, and still at the end of the day, a cuddler.

So, expect a ton of status updates, blogs, twitpics, and you name it on my new commitment. My SOLE commitment. It is going to be one fun ride.

thrill.

I wonder some days how I got here.
I wasn't always so fearless.
It is in my nature to force myself to be brave, to not hold back even when everything in me screams to.
I am not invincible or untouchable
and my body is breakable...
But I refuse to believe it
Even saying it now makes me cringe
For when I know in my heart nothing can stop me,
nothing can.
And that feeling of freedom
Of being invincible, even when I know I for damn sure am not,
I am convinced is why my heart continues to beat.
I crave to be scared so I can defeat it.
When my heart beats faster, I feel close to home.

Living is a thrill,
It is about time you joined the ride.

my reason for existence....

If I didn't have something to fight against
Would I even exist
If I didn't need to make a point
What would be left to resist

My battle isn't within me
It is fighting for something much more
It is changing the path most follow
Forcing other's to question their war

It is pushing the limit to the max
Jumping the fence one last time
Making a move not usually seen
Solely craving to cross that line

It's a fight that may only end up hurting
All that I know to be true
But do I know myself through any other
Do I know how else one has grew?

So I push and I shove and I constantly fight
Regardless of what the outcome may be
This constant struggle that makes my heart thrive
Is the only way I know to be me